mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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