How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
