You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
