very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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