Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
