I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
