apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
