I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
