she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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