see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
