well he's currently spooning the coffee table
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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