When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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