Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
