you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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