sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
