Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
