I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
