I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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