So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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