I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
