Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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