Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
