my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
