So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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