Four minutes until I can fart!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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