Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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