when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize