I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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