Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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