in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I supernannyed him into submission
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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