i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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