Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
