its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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