very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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