I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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