you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
