just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
