I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
