but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
