you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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