They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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