the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
