My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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