your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
