Ambien. No doubt about it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, beer. Big fan.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
