My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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