He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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