Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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