can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You're like the curious george of whores
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
