i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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