Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
