Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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