I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
