I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
