I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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