i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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