i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
