Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
