come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
