i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
