You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
